Do you know you Nag?
 
 

One of my favourite hobbies is reading and studying behaviour and I stumbled across a book in my friends bookcase called “Why men lie and women cry” by Alan and Barbara Pease, the gurus of body language. Needless to say I borrowed the book.

One of the chapters talks about nagging and I was fascinated to discover that not only can you be a nag (I already knew that bit..) but you can be a certain type of nag and there are five types to choose from.

The nag categories are:-

1. The single subject nag: 
John you said you would take the rubbish out, did you take the rubbish out? The bin man will be early in the morning you need to put the bin out tonight, pause. Have you put the bin out yet John?

2. The Multi-subject nag:
John we need to tidy the garden, the flowerbeds need to be weeded. The grass needs cut as well and we need new window boxes. Where did you put the hanging baskets John.

3. The Beneficial Nag:
Are you drinking enough water? You need to change your diet, you eat too much junk food. Are you playing squash on Wednesday the exercise will do you good?

4. The Third party Nag:
My brother has started painting his house. When can we start to paint the hall stairs and landing? My brother has painted his kitchen sunny yellow. John when can we start painting, pause...At this rate it will be Christmas before we even decide a colour!

5. The Advance Nag:
When we arrive at the party don’t you go drinking with your mates immediately, go easy and stay off the spirits, you know you can only handle a few beers. I don’t want you falling asleep and us having to leave early...

Can you identify yourself? Not very flattering but the descriptions made me laugh because I recognised myself as a beneficial nag and I have often in jest used the single subject nag to drill home a point whilst at the same time knowing that I was irritating the recipient.

I think one of the most important things we can do to help improve our communication and relationships is identify our conversation patterns. Once we identify which patterns we get stuck in we can begin to change.

Nagging in relationships causes one or both parties to become defensive and defensiveness is one of the big four relationship killers. We women should note that we have a greater brain capacity for talking so we are better at nagging. I think after reading this book I shall be using the strategy of silence just that little bit more often 

 

2011 New Year: Are you a Wimp or a Warrior?

So how are you doing? Did you make any New Year resolutions? Are you still on track or is that not a good question?

If there was one word to define the difference between a winner and a loser, that word would be commitment. Winners make Do or Die commitments. There are always three phases we go through:-

Phase 1: The Start. This phase feels great. You have made a decision, your confidence is 6 on a scale of 10, you announce your intentions on facebook and you devise a plan of action. You have energy, you feel excitement.

Phase 2: Stick with it. This phase isn’t so great; you are now not sure of your decision, you mind starts telling you its not that easy, you begin asking yourself is it worth it?. Whilst feeding your uncertainty your confidence slips to a 3, just in case failure is imminent you delete that post on facebook and you lose the plan of action. Your energy diminishes and you begin to feel relief and tell yourself that it was a stupid decision to begin with. Secretly you feel guilty and disappointed with yourself. This is the most difficult phase and the part of achievement were laser focus is required and the clarity of the dream or vision you created needs to be at the forefront of your mind. Phase 2 is were you pay the price, Phase 2 is were you must expect pain even begin to love it.

Phase 3: Succeed. If you get to this step this is the best bit, your confidence is on 11 on a scale of 10! You can broadcast to the world on facebook. You have never had so much energy and pride and you know now you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Phase 1 and 3 are great, it’s that middle phase stick that torpedoes most of us. When the average person is tired, exhausted and burned out, the winner is just getting warmed up. What keeps them going is the dream. The pain is part of the process of achieving the dream. So all the pain, self sacrifice and mental combat with old habits, it’s all part of the process of your war so that you can have your victory. Warriors decide to do whatever it takes.

I started three wars in 2011 and I anticipate many battles in phase 2 I have already had full mental combat on one habit that seems to be entrenched in my DNA. However I intend winning my 3 wars and if I don't I will hold my hands up and tell you...So ask yourself its the middle of January, are you slipping or marching ahead with the resolutions. What wars will you win 2011?

 
Take a look at this picture of tulips; imagine if you were that red tulip in the field of white tulips?
What are you thinking?

What are you feeling?

I have asked many people on my training courses the same question and these are some of the responses:-

“I am different and I feel special”,
“I am different and I feel exposed”,
“Why can’t I be white like everyone else”,
“I feel a bit lonely”,
“I am unique”
“There is only one of me, bit isolated”

The reason I ask you to imagine being the tulip is whether you are comfortable being uncomfortable. Comfortable being different, understand that being different may mean isolation, loneliness even risk. This is a critical question facing all leaders, how comfortable are you being uncomfortable? Will you take a stand when noone else agrees with you?

 If what you crave is sameness and safety then maybe you should ask yourself “Am I a Leader?”
 

John F Kennedy famously stated: "Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country".

Bill Cullen from the Ireland Apprentice series gave his definition of effort and the measure of an employee as “What you do, after you do, what you get paid to do”

I just read a job advertisement looking for candidates who would go the extra 10mile!

The market conditions have changed; employers want more, much more from their employees.

So, maybe we could ask ourselves, "What contribution could I be making, what difference am I making and how will I be remembered?

The expectation bar on effort has been raised and the bare minimum effort just will not work for employers in this market.
 

Image courtesy of GlennPeb. 

It is interesting to watch how a female who cannot make a decision is viewed.

On Sunday night's X factor results show Cheryl refused to vote one of her own acts off and the papers have had a field day since.

 
Her hesitation and indecision over the judging has now jeopardised her chances of being a judge on the American version of the X Factor. High powered US TV executives have interpreted Cheryl’s indecision as weakness.  They are now questioning why they would spend millions on hiring someone who cannot execute the role properly.

Indecision especially for women in leadership positions is professional suicide. Getting the balance right between personal and business is always trickier for the female. What the Cheryl example demonstrates again is that females will mostly try to protect relationships at the expense of the task which in this example was as a judge to vote one act off. You cannot just do the parts of the job you like and choose not to do the parts you don’t like. If you are a person who has a preference for keeping your options open it is important that you are aware of this. In many situations Leaders must weigh up options, make decisions and move fast.

Leaders know they must do whatever is required and take into account the timing of a decision,  getting the job done and the impact on the individual. The Female leader must not let her social conditioning for protecting relationships cloud her judgement.

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